Malmaison: Like a field trip minus sack lunches

What is it about getting on a bus with the rest of my class and riding merrily through town to a location of historical import that makes me remember my third-grade field trips? Perhaps it was the simultaneous presence of an actual third-grade class at Malmaison today, creeping past our group with timid pardon's and then proceeding to poke each other with their pencils as a guide directed them wearily from room to room.

A little background for those not in the know: Malmaison was the country château of Napoleon Bonaparte and wife Josephine in the early 1800s. Our tour will commence as soon as I share this picture of Paul on the bus, which he expressly told me not to post:

I think we can all understand why this was necessary.

Here it is, the lovely Malmaison, which in French literally means "bad house." According to Paul, this name could reference the band of vagabond burglars and/or the leper colony that once inhabited the estate, both of which must have been great icebreakers for parties at the Bonaparte house.

And here we have a lovely group shot of everyone in front of the château. A fairly normal picture until you look at Susan (front row far left) and realize that a dark green tree cone is growing out of her head. I may have laughed for ten minutes before uploading this picture.

The interior begins. Here we have the dining room, featuring, as Mom will notice, the same floor tiles we had in the Souderton house kitchen. Except these are actual tiles and I believe ours had sticky adhesive sheets on the back, but the important thing to remember is that we had the same interior decorating taste as a French empress.

The Council Room, a.k.a the headquarters for Men's Work. Josephine, ever proficient in wife skills, had the room decorated to resemble a military tent (notice the striped fabric swagged over the door frame and the gold eagle, a symbol adopted by Napoleon).

Napoleon's library, full of mantiques (see Mantiques and champagne).

I told Molly to charge into battle with Napoleon and I think this resulting pose explains why she's a women's studies major and not a West Point cadet. Sorry about the glare on the painting, but I had to include it because some of you readers will no doubt remember this image from our AP History textbooks in 10th grade. This is one of the three original copies of the painting, at least 9 billion times larger than the picture in the sidebar of The American Pageant.

Josephine's chambre. And yes, that bed is as small as you think it is. Paul said people were smaller back then, but I've seen dog pillows bigger than this bed. That being said, I believe the elaborate draped canopy would've made me faint with pleasure at age eight. Or, you know, now.

Then we went outside. Observe Malmaison from the back.

Josephine planted this Lebanon Cedar to commemorate Napoleon's 1800 victory over the Austrians at the Battle of Marengo. Although Josephine spent many years and countless sums of money turning the Malmaison grounds into an Eden-like paradise of exotic flora and fauna, the gardens are somewhat unimpressive today, and the black swans, emus, and kangaroos that once roamed the estate are long gone.

And then we got on the bus and went home.

Time for another French snack update. To the left you will observe a delicious fruity concoction called Liegeois de Fruits. I have no idea what it is, but as you can see at the corner of the picture I have already polished off two of them. I think it might be mango-flavored apple sauce? With cream on top? But as usual it tastes like God-given ambrosia. In the background we have a double-pack of fromage-flavored Bugles, which were on sale today at Franprix so I couldn't resist. And yes, that is Tilo is eating a bugle. On tomorrow's Métro homework. Sorry Paul.

P.S. I just got an email from U of M encouraging me to sign up for a program whereby if there is a giant campus emergency, they will send me a text message. An excerpt from the email reads, "Examples of when the system may be activated include if a person actively shooting a weapon is on the loose, a tornado is predicted to strike the campus area, or a major hazardous material spill is impacting a large portion of campus."


a) You're not going to tell me if a hazardous material spill is impacting a fairly smallish portion of campus?

b) Can we add "if a basilisk has escaped from the Chamber of Secrets and is turning students into petrified stone"?

c) A text message? Really? Here's how I see that scenario going down.

Some guy on the Diag: what is that? that... green wave in the distance?

Someone else: OH GOD IT'S RADIOACTIVE OOZE! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIVES!

Everyone on diag: *panic*

My phone: beep. New text message. Read now? "A hazardous waste spill is impacting a large portion of campus. Please run. Thank you for your cooperation. -UMich Department of Public Safety."

U of M, you make me laugh from oceans away.